i've been in bed for 48 hours

i pride myself on the fact that when times get tough i get tougher.  this weekend did not prove that so much.  i got out of bed on saturday to go to lunch and then i went right back in.  right now it's sunday 2:17 pm and i am writing this blog from my bed.  i am meeting a friend in an hour and the thought of leaving is giving me a mild case of agita.

this weekend marks 6 months since i lost maryellen to breast cancer.  i am in awe of this.  the last 6 months have been a haze...i really couldn't tell you much of what happened personally and or pop culturally.  and every month around the 5/6th i get socially and emotionally retarded because i am reminded that another month has gone by and it's not getting any easier to cope with this loss.

when i step outside of my room i feel like i have to play the part of the artist formally known as emily griffith.  in life before maryellen had cancer i was silly, laughed alot, was very curious and lovable.  now i live a life of this person with a heart so broken i can physically feel the pain in my heart but the show aka life must go on. 

i've always believed that being true to yourself is the most important thing in life but right now i can't be true because i wouldn't leave my room.  i would lie here and just wallow in my sadness.  therefore i am adopting the act as if/fake it til you make it mantra.  i have to act as if life is ok again or else i might not remember what how the okay life feels. i also know that my sister would be pissed if i was holed up in bed because that is not paying her any homage at all. 

i think that in order to honor the people who have left us we have to go out into the world and live loud.  my sister lived that way regardless of sadness.  she was diagnosed twice with breast cancer and that didn't stop her from doing the things she wanted to do.  her death shouldn't stop me from doing anything...in fact her death should be inspiring me to do everything!

on the verge of thirtydom

it's weird for me to move on out of my twenties.  i feel like it was my decade in the sense i fucked up all over the place, laughed a lot, destroyed my liver and didn't get enough sleep.  i am a believer in the youth being wasted on the young because if you don't make mistakes you don't ever really learn anything.  i job hopped, boyfriend hopped, made and lost friends and gained some perspective.  i am a bit closer to figuring out what i want to do job wise (not rot behind a desk for sure) which is currently what i am doing.  ideally i would like a manfriend but im not going to ring up because society thinks i should.  i believe in love i just don't know if i believe in marriage or children for myself.  ok so on the verge of thirtydom these are the conclusions i have come up with so far:

1. i do not want to spend the rest of my working days stuck in front of a computer.
2. i want to travel more...see the rest of my country and how other people outside of the east coast live.
3. i want to become a for real yoga person. 
4. learn and commit to balancing my check book.  its time to start respecting my money!
4.  i want to fall in love and let myself really fall this time.

i finally get it

even when i think i "got it" i still don't get it and will never get it...that's me getting it.

thank you rude kid

so..

i was at this dude's house in high school studying for an exam.  he was being all flirty which was awkward since i knew this kid foreverrrrrrrrrr and it so wasn't like that on my end.  at one point he is moving his hand towards my face like he is going to get his caress on but instead pets the random stark white hair that is growing out of the side of my face and lets me know that i have a random stark white hair growing out of the side of my face.  i'm clearly horrified at this and want to wrap up the study sesh but boyfriend is still trying to make moves. i think i faked a stomach cramp and got the fuck out of there.

flash forward today i am getting my floss on and notice a random stark white hair growing out of the side of my face but its like 5 times the length of the hair in high school.  moral of the story is i can look back now and be thankful that cray cray let me know about this hair when it was in its baby stage as oppose to the long ass weave that was now on my face today.  sometimes rude people are helpful.

looking for my focus...have you seen it?

i keep saying how i want to write in this blog every day so that i can eventually publish a memoir and yet i'm not doing it.  this isn't that hard...meaning i'm not necessarily under any pressure to write the most charming, enlightening, and witty things here since it's my own spot.  this blog is for me to just unload and hopefully spawn some ideas for what i want my book to focus on.  i can't do that though if i give in to the inner critic who is just constantly shooting my shit down.  the only goal for me is to get a book together and that is getting easier with the online self publishing world.  I can potentially sell putting my crazy on paper one day on amazon.com for $3 bucks right to your kindle!  the thought of my friends and family maybe strangers reading my inner monologue is exciting and terrifying!  i mean does my old school irish catholic mom want to read about some of the sexual encounters i have had?  she might have a coronary but i dont want to be afraid of who i am because my mom, friend or random might not like it. 

so my promise is this...that i will write once a day...even if its for 5 minutes and its complete gibberish i'm still going to do it and post it because there is something at stake in all of this and i am going to achieve my goal.

there was a boy, we never spoke, i was totally in love

I get obsessed with things for the weirdest/no reason at all.  One of these obsessions was this dude Victor.  When I was 12 years old I saw this beautiful skater boy skateboarding it around the neighborhood.  I just moved there and was bummed that i left all my friends from the old hood behind and this kid made me forget about all those crazy bastards!  From the moment I saw him I started concocting his personality in my head.  He is a skaterboy with a heart of gold, he loves cold chinese food (my cousin Carlos pointed out years later that no body likes fucking cold chinese food!) he was pensive, hilarious, star gazing, poetry reading, john cusack loving, dog owning and knicks obsessed for starters.  As the years went by I added more personality to him and he just became my ideal guy.  My friends of course tortured me about this and whenever we would drive by his house they would scream his name...it got to the point where I would scream his name and of course boyfriend would be sitting outside looking at me scared for his life.  Things got really creepy when I decided it was in my best interest to finally put a happily ever after to this rom com that was our non existant relationship.  My manfriend at the time and I decided to part ways while I was studying abroad in Ireland.  All of a sudden Victor popped into my head.  I hadn't thought about this kid in years and at that moment I decided to write him a letter.  This is the stuff that dreams or rom coms..whatever are made of right?  This is the part where i unload all my feelings and pseudo love and boyfriend tells me he too had unrequited love for me! ok so my friend jill goes with her boyfriend to get his address.  he tells her its a bad idea, my ireland roomies tell me its a bad idea. pretty much everyone in the universe is telling me this is a bad idea.  i'm like oh man this is great the more adversity the better the ending to my story.   So i write this letter pretty much projecting on this kid who I think he is (we never had a conversation..ever) and I'm like omg carpe diem moment this is my story im going to tell my kids and my grandkids on how i met my husband! So I mail my letter out so proud of myself.  I hear crickets for the next few months but i'm still not discouraged...especially when i am traveling around europe getting all kinds of distracted by italian soccer players but i digress..i'll save that story for another post.  so i leave my home away from home ireland and come back to the dirty jersey.  i see my husband in my head at the local dive bar a few weeks after i am home.  the universe is conspiring i can feel it.  before i could even do anything (real talk wtf was i going to do) this acquaintance of mine saunters over to me and goes "is that Victor...you're Victor?" I go "uh huh" then she saunters over to boyfriend and starts shooting the shit and gets his number! AAAAND they start for realz dating!!
Now I can't hate too much on this girl because she had the balls to actually do something where I wasn't even able to formulate a word around this kid ( and i got the gift of gab honey) but did she have to be so blatant about it...like watch me work biiiiiitch.  I was bummed but in a way it showed me what kind of dude he was to go out with a chick like her (no offense girl but you are f'd up) she dumped him like 5 minutes later (sorrrrrrrrry boo). It's so embarrassing because til this day whenever I see this kid i get oh so flustered and he is still a perfect stranger to me cousin larry style.  I am 29 years old and this is still a problem.  le sigh.

unloading on strangers is all the rage

some of the most cathartic and craziest conversations i ever had were with strangers...particularly barnes and noble strangers when i worked there.  i was convinced this one dude was an angel sent to help me unfuck my life up but turns out he was a somewhat of a homeless con artist.  still he served a purpose in my life.  he unloaded...i unloaded we both felt lighter and walked away.  one of my favorite unloading with a stranger moments was on the eve of my 21st birthday.  i was working the register at barnes and nobles when this lady came up and was shopping around the bargain tables.  we were closing but girlfriend took her time and did her thing.  i honestly didn't care because i knew i was on the verge of legal drinkdom and i was going to drink her as well as all the other annoying customers away!  she came up the register started to unload her life drama on me...i listened, shook my head, peppered in some wise words i might have heard on oprah that week and then told her it was my birthday.  girlfriend walked away and came back with extra things to ring up at the register and she asked for 2 bags.  once i did my cashier thang she handed me the second bag and said thank you for listening (to her unload) and have a wonderful 21st b-day.  Cutie bought me a journal and a book mark! presents from strangers rock!
so i feel like what i am trying to say here is sometimes you are the unloader other times you are the unloadee but either way you are serving a purpose.  i can't wait for my next victim!

i power yoga'd, i farted, i never showed my face there again

Once upon a time I was really into yoga.  I finished college, got a for realz job, got a really for realz apartment and started going to my local YMCA.  It was there that I discovered power yoga.  This woman who was legit like 75 years old taught the class and she could pop and lock it better than the waspy yuppy young moms could.  I had no business being in this class considering I hadn't practiced yoga in years but I thought...fuck it I'm young I can twerk this.  One night we were practicing head stands and grandma yogi told me to throw myself up there and that i can do it.  As I am in mid flight to getting my head stand on I let out the loudest fart ever recorded in the universe.  Now the class goes dead silent because that's how loud and echo-ing this fart was.  I was in my headstand with my face turning a deep shade of purple when i slowly brought myself down into child pose then eventually a fetal position omg is this my life pose.  What was really comical about the whole thing was that the people surrounding me followed my move from head stand to child pose, to fetal position omg is this my life pose.  Once class was over I booked it the hell out of there, didn't make contact with a soul and never showed my face again.
Flash forward to yesterday where I went to my first yoga class since "the fart to end all farts" happened with my cousin Vanessa.  We didn't even start doing any yoga moves when some dude ripped a ridiculously loud fart.  I immediately froze.  I was convinced this was a test from the universe.  Vanessa was trying to hard to stifle her laughter and I just sat there unfazed.  I get it dude and I am not going to make you feel like you can never show your face in  this class because you ripped a hard one.  Vanessa was on to me and she was like we need to address the fart-er in yoga class...it was then that I had confession time with Vanessa which is now becoming confession time with whoever reads my ramblings.  I hope to see you next week in class fart-er don't be a punk like me and let your fart dictate your yoga.

i'm fucked up

it's hard being me.  no for real i am in a constant state of torn especially when it comes to the manfriend possibility. i think i just want someone i know who is hopelessly all about me, will never hurt me, tells me exactly what they are thinking all the time, holds my hand, makes me giggle and makes me the priority. i don't want to do any work either...i don't want to stare at the phone waiting for the next text message, i don't want to think of the possibility that this person might not realize how amazing i am, i dont want to put myself out there and get completely shot down.

 the truth of the matter is if i had all the things that i "want" i would be bored and disappointed.  when things are just handed to a person without the work there is no appreciation. honestly it's kind of fun not knowing...i mean its stressful but there are so many possibilities.  what if they think you are a total lunatic, or the most articulate person they encountered, or totally weird and quirky.  the journey of any relationship and getting to know each other is rewarding in itself..it has to be because there is no end.  it's constant.  even when you are married and think you know everything about each other..things in life happen and people change and you are constantly getting to know this forever changing person.  sometimes it works out and you change together and for the better.  sometimes life gets the best of us and we grow a part.

my problem is i have a hard time compromising.  i love my single life and the ability to be able to pick up and go and to not answer to anyone.  i have this idea in my head that if i have a romantic relationship then my life is going to be consumed with it and life as it is now will change.  i always think that my relationships are doomed because there isn't anyone out there who is going to let me be 100% me.  it's not fair though to judge these un-met people and these unborn relationships without even having them first.  i am dating and open to it but i will find any excuse, any imperfection to immediately write it off and say it's not going to work.  i put unrealistic demands and pressure on strangers!  i want them to fail..i bank on them failing.  i guess i am not as open as i thought.

i love hearing stories of love and i am a total rom-com addict.  when it happens to me though i am embarrassed and feel like its not genuine.  i am learning that if your relationship with yourself is shot than there is no way in hell you can expect someone to repair that.  one person can't take all that on and it's not authentic when you get your feelings and ideas of yourself from someone else.  i believe there is someone out there that will embrace my quirks, bring me chicken soup when i'm sick and tell me the truth even when i don't want to hear it.  the thing is i need to be that for myself first and i'm not.  admitting it is the first step?  to be continued....

current state of affairs

my goal is to write in this every day so that i can for my 30th birthday compile a bunch of thoughts, ideas and sillisms and publish a book.  i have always had the idea of being a writer floating around in my head but lately the desire has been too prevalent to ignore.  i am constantly pondering, reacting, wishing, and harping on things in my own little world that its time to let out and unload the crazy.  i am in this weird place right now.  i lost my sister to a short, extremely aggressive battle with cancer and i am still trying to figure out what the hell happened.  its this feeling of heartbreak that is so terrible you eventually become numb.  i never felt a heartbreak like this and so as per her wishes i wake up every morning and battle the day and act as normal as possible given that normal is not my life anymore.  i think she is really the driving force behind all of this.  i almost feel like her life is a lesson we all are suppose to learn from.  i know when people talk about those who have passed its kind of annoying that they are remembered being so saint like.  the truth of the matter is my sister was saint like and not in a overbearing jesus take the wheel kind of way.  she had a sense of humor about life and was so laid back about it.  she was beautiful, driven, empathetic and smart.  people were drawn to her because she lived in grace effortlessly. 
i am going to write this book because just as much as i want to do it for me i am doing it for her too.  she is going to get shouted out all over the place! hope you are ready to see your name in print maryellen griffith fiore. xoxo

i should come with a warning label

people are cray cray...present company not excluded from this blast.  my ex boyfriend blogged about how he kinda wants me to get aids a few months ago.  whodoesthat??  everyone is fucked up from some degree to another and i really distrust those who try and hide their crazy.  i think that the sooner you are able to be your own best friend the better off you will be in this world.  i am going to write a book about my thoughts, stories and lessons i will hopefully learn one day.  my inner critic is going to town about how dumb an idea it is and who the hell is going to read my book?!  the thing is lately i've been really good at telling that inner critic bitch to shut the hell up.  so back to my original point...yes i am cray cray but i embrace my cray cray.  hopefully you will too when putting my crazy on paper makes its way into a bounded print book.

oh black swaaaaaan come out to plaaaaaaaay

so..

my friend christen and i talk about channeling our black swan all the time.  to be a black swan is to be fearless.  it's to put it out there..all of it and not give a shit what people think.  i think its being powerful, seductive and sexy.  i...am totally a white swan.  i don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing but its debilitating in a way.  white swans are proper, they hold back, i think they do the right thing because it's "right" not necessarily because they want to.  i want to be the perfect shade of gray and this is achieved through balance.  i am a white swan because that's my nature but sometimes change is a good thing and black swan wants to come out and play! i'm going to conduct an experiment...its going to be very a la fake it til i make it.  i will keep you posted.

its difficult to be strong

i am feeling myself slip into a depression.  i am completely aware of it.  it's getting harder to get out of bed in the morning...it's even getting harder to breathe.  i can feel my sister slipping away...i can feel her trying to come to terms with death and leaving this world behind.  i have never felt so broken or helpless. i want to be strong for my sister and my family but this is not ok.  a woman at 42 with three young kids and a passion for life should not have to deal with such an ugly disease.  she has a good attitude about it in a sense that she said her life as been an easy and good one.  she's had such good friends around her through her life that have made her laugh and smile through the years.  her family that she created with her husband is a fun one.  so many people in this world have had a rough go and they can still keep their chin up and smile.  i want to be one of those people.  i really am a lover of life and i am so thankful for the adventures and opportunities that present themselves.  it's hard to see that when such a strong powerful light in my life is going through living with breast cancer.  i want to be positive and a force i can't even fake the funk right now.

just do it!

they say you learn to do by doing. 

1. i don't know who "they" are but i am signing up for this one.

I want to write...and here i am writing!  i am starting to come around to the idea that i am going to write out exactly what i want.  my head is too foggy and hazy with a million things all running ramped at once that i am just going to free write and see what things unload on to the paper.  i have been twitter stalking people who i think would be amazing mentors in life...so they'z be my twittors.  i have a.d.d. so 140 characters of real talk with sparkling gems of wisdom....i can get down with that.  one day i would like to be look at as a twittor. 

i recently joined this website called peertrainer (check it) and there is this group that i signed up with with the message "i can do this for 1 day" now granted i am only on day 2 of "i can just do this for 1 day" but it definitely got me through yesterday! my goal for yesterday was to not eat the minute i felt stressed or bored and just eat when my body called for food.  it was a small victory but still i did it.  so today's goal is the same.  no stress eating...just for today.  i can't promise tomorrow but i can promise today! it makes the whole idea of overhauling eating less overwhelming.

shut upppppppppp

listen bitch...there is a new sheriff in town and she isn't taking your shit anymore!

-me to my inner bitch critic

blind date...wet hair...to be continued

so...

i quit okcupid eons ago.  with that said there has been this dude that texts me once a week since i quit looking to hang out.  now i am a total fan of  romance, playful, silly, monogamous, kissy beautiful love.  i am...trust it.  however i am not a fan of forcing the funk.  i am 29 and single and i feel like some of my friends/family are puzzled by this.  real talk...and clearly we are being real here since it's my fucking blog is that i do not envy...that's not the right word...let me think...i don't look at any couples around me and go awww i want that.  none of them. and im not saying i dont know any great couples...because i do its just i dont want what they have.  i want someone who is going to let me be me. 100% me.  and thats a daunting task considering i am cray cray.  i dont want to be butt buddies...i want boyfriend to understand that i am OBSESSED with my ladies and like to spend as much time with them as possible. i dont want him to correct my grammar mistakes or get annoyed that i dont like capital letters!  i just realized i was in the middle of my blind date story and i got all a.d.d. on ya.  my b.

so anyhoo..i was at the gym yesterday and i got a text saying hey meet you at 5 from okcupider.  oooooh shaaaat i forgot we had plans.  i try to cancel but boyfriend is already in route to the meeting place. F F F F F F F...i fly home, take the coldest shower ever...look like shiz and roll out the door. i get to the bar and text date with my stats: black dress, purple flats, wet hair.

now maybe this is reject-ish of me but i size up my dates within 10 minutes.  the question remains the same.  do i want to make out with you? now i feel like this is in a way completely shallow but hear me out folks its not as it seems.  i THRIVE on witty banter.  word play me all day and i.am.yours. word tango-ing is my fave and it will make you HOT in my book...HOTTTTTTT.  so within the first 10 minutes boyfriend cracks a joke...a silly not funny one...and laughs.  he laughs at his own joke.  FAIL.  i'm waiting for him to say something clever, something off the wall, something to make me think a wee bit. NA-DA. now i am on this cocktail date for over 2 hours.  i chat, i border line unload...he proceeds to cut me off...whatevz.  the thing is he was a nice dude and geeky which i totally dig yet i found myself hating him randomly throughout the night.  he asked if i wanted to get something to eat i totally said i have to get up for the gym early (lamelamelamelame) and i bolt out of there.

i am open to the possibility of it all when it comes to dating...but i always have a better time with my friends.  even when i was in love.

it's becoming a problem

ever since i signed up on twitter i have become obsessed at twitter stalking celebs especially gideon yago.  i love him and its a becoming a problem.  see my other celeb friends in my head have responded back to me (vivica fox and waitress from it's always sunny).  gidz hasn't shown me any love and it's making me reach out that much more and in a not so indirect way.  example:

@gideonyago is going to ask me on a date because i am secret-ing that shit! #thesecretdontlie

 

le siiiiiiiiiiigh...i'm being really patient with the universe but i feel like gidz doesn't even know how awesome i am!? granted i am making up in my head how awesome he is but still....this can work right?  RIGHT?!?!?!

so what if...

...i like to pepper in foreign words with my english.  it makes me feel somewhat cultured.

i'm feeling buzzy!

buzzy according to urban dictionary (my gospel) is the following:

1: Something that is interesting because it is strange; Something eye catching, particularly to one under the influence of drugs or alcohol mmkay.t
2: Someone that is interesting in an odd way because they do random, strange things.

there are other random and vile definitions but i will stop at number 2.

i went to get my chant on with my cousin carluch on sunday and i've felt buzzy ever since (my definition 3. feeling jittery sprinkled with giddiness) i really feel like these Nichiren Buddhists are on to something...I mean hellllllllo Tina Turner is one and she is BOSS!!

im ready for a change and i think this type of chanting life came knocking at my door just in the nick of time...i will keep you posted.

peace peace

do i hate the olds?

so..

i go to subway pretty much every day for lunch.  i can now say i crave a veggie delight! anyways when i see that dave is the only one working i pretty much want to run for the hills.  boyfriend has a lovely personality and loves to chat up every customer.  problem is there is a line of 10 people and i have a short lunch break.  seriously dave you totally suck as an efficient subway employee.  people were walking out left and right and his response would be "and stay out!".  now does he suck because he is an old? am i spoiled by the east coast go go go, i want this 10 minutes ago attitude?  like i said dave is totally a sweet older man.  he remembers things he learned about me from the last convo and always follows up on them.  but i don't require that out of my subway employee.  i want my sandwich and i want it now damn it! 
maybe dave is my lesson courtesy of the universe.  its like sometimes you need to stop and chill out.  its not that serious that old is taking so long to make your sandwich because its that much time away from your work computer.  all i am going to do is go back to my desk anyway and check work emails or gchat while i eat. 

maybe i am an ageist biotch that needs an attitude adjustment.  hmmm to be continued.

this is what i want!...right now.

1. to be able to pick up and leave whenever i want.  i think its important to see how the rest of the country lives.  maybe i am destined to live in portland, austin or madison wisconsin?  how would i know since i've never been.  that has to change.
2. to wake up and get stoked about my job.  i want to to inspire and be inspired.  i think it would be boss to open up a women's wellness center.  at this center we will educate about the importance of personal finance, nutrition, spirituality, and just learning from each other. 
3. to have a completely casual relationship.  i don't want to meet your parents.  i don't want to meet your friends and i def don't want to go to family functions. 


=)