it's hard being me. no for real i am in a constant state of torn especially when it comes to the manfriend possibility. i think i just want someone i know who is hopelessly all about me, will never hurt me, tells me exactly what they are thinking all the time, holds my hand, makes me giggle and makes me the priority. i don't want to do any work either...i don't want to stare at the phone waiting for the next text message, i don't want to think of the possibility that this person might not realize how amazing i am, i dont want to put myself out there and get completely shot down.
the truth of the matter is if i had all the things that i "want" i would be bored and disappointed. when things are just handed to a person without the work there is no appreciation. honestly it's kind of fun not knowing...i mean its stressful but there are so many possibilities. what if they think you are a total lunatic, or the most articulate person they encountered, or totally weird and quirky. the journey of any relationship and getting to know each other is rewarding in itself..it has to be because there is no end. it's constant. even when you are married and think you know everything about each other..things in life happen and people change and you are constantly getting to know this forever changing person. sometimes it works out and you change together and for the better. sometimes life gets the best of us and we grow a part.
my problem is i have a hard time compromising. i love my single life and the ability to be able to pick up and go and to not answer to anyone. i have this idea in my head that if i have a romantic relationship then my life is going to be consumed with it and life as it is now will change. i always think that my relationships are doomed because there isn't anyone out there who is going to let me be 100% me. it's not fair though to judge these un-met people and these unborn relationships without even having them first. i am dating and open to it but i will find any excuse, any imperfection to immediately write it off and say it's not going to work. i put unrealistic demands and pressure on strangers! i want them to fail..i bank on them failing. i guess i am not as open as i thought.
i love hearing stories of love and i am a total rom-com addict. when it happens to me though i am embarrassed and feel like its not genuine. i am learning that if your relationship with yourself is shot than there is no way in hell you can expect someone to repair that. one person can't take all that on and it's not authentic when you get your feelings and ideas of yourself from someone else. i believe there is someone out there that will embrace my quirks, bring me chicken soup when i'm sick and tell me the truth even when i don't want to hear it. the thing is i need to be that for myself first and i'm not. admitting it is the first step? to be continued....
ok first off... you need to love yourself before you can let anyone else love you. I totally agree with what you wrote (and I think I may have said something like this to you before in a previous comment). You need to be you, do your own thing, be yourself 100% of the time. for sure! If you are with someone and you feel like you cant "say this" or "do that" around them, then walk away while you can. My own personal experience, it will not get better. Wishful thinking and hoping does not make a relationship work. You should not have to work at a relationship. It should just feel natural. keep looking till you find that spark. I believe in destiny and faith and things happen for a reason and we have a certain path to walk in this life. Go with your gut. I mean sure, yes there is compromise, but compromise doesn't mean not being yourself to feel completely comfortable around someone your with. I feel like I'm rambling. my advice is to not jump into "dating" as soon as you meet someone. More like, treat them as a new friend. Do things with them you would do with your friends. Let that sexual tension build up. and eventually things will fall into place. girl... you should just jump the fence and become a lesbian lol :)
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