sandy from just one of the guys....a real shero!

have you ever seen the movie just one of the guys?  it's about this girl terry griffith (griffith is my last name! weirdzies!) who is a major fox and wants to be taken seriously as a journalist. so girlfriend gets her crazy on and chops off her hair to go undercover as a boy in another high school. at this high school she meets sandy.  sandy in real life was johnny depp's first wife.  sandy in the movie is one of my sheroes.  she is all about terry griffith boy'd out.  she follows him/her home, she gets her seduction on and doesn't take no for an answer.  she is perseverance personified.  she doesn't give any bit of a fuck that she is totally stalking terry and borderline boasts about it. i admire her because she is fearless when it comes to going after something she wants. all fierce bitches should take a page out of this fictional characters' book! just don't get arrested for stalking.

i've been in bed for 48 hours

i pride myself on the fact that when times get tough i get tougher.  this weekend did not prove that so much.  i got out of bed on saturday to go to lunch and then i went right back in.  right now it's sunday 2:17 pm and i am writing this blog from my bed.  i am meeting a friend in an hour and the thought of leaving is giving me a mild case of agita.

this weekend marks 6 months since i lost maryellen to breast cancer.  i am in awe of this.  the last 6 months have been a haze...i really couldn't tell you much of what happened personally and or pop culturally.  and every month around the 5/6th i get socially and emotionally retarded because i am reminded that another month has gone by and it's not getting any easier to cope with this loss.

when i step outside of my room i feel like i have to play the part of the artist formally known as emily griffith.  in life before maryellen had cancer i was silly, laughed alot, was very curious and lovable.  now i live a life of this person with a heart so broken i can physically feel the pain in my heart but the show aka life must go on. 

i've always believed that being true to yourself is the most important thing in life but right now i can't be true because i wouldn't leave my room.  i would lie here and just wallow in my sadness.  therefore i am adopting the act as if/fake it til you make it mantra.  i have to act as if life is ok again or else i might not remember what how the okay life feels. i also know that my sister would be pissed if i was holed up in bed because that is not paying her any homage at all. 

i think that in order to honor the people who have left us we have to go out into the world and live loud.  my sister lived that way regardless of sadness.  she was diagnosed twice with breast cancer and that didn't stop her from doing the things she wanted to do.  her death shouldn't stop me from doing anything...in fact her death should be inspiring me to do everything!

on the verge of thirtydom

it's weird for me to move on out of my twenties.  i feel like it was my decade in the sense i fucked up all over the place, laughed a lot, destroyed my liver and didn't get enough sleep.  i am a believer in the youth being wasted on the young because if you don't make mistakes you don't ever really learn anything.  i job hopped, boyfriend hopped, made and lost friends and gained some perspective.  i am a bit closer to figuring out what i want to do job wise (not rot behind a desk for sure) which is currently what i am doing.  ideally i would like a manfriend but im not going to ring up because society thinks i should.  i believe in love i just don't know if i believe in marriage or children for myself.  ok so on the verge of thirtydom these are the conclusions i have come up with so far:

1. i do not want to spend the rest of my working days stuck in front of a computer.
2. i want to travel more...see the rest of my country and how other people outside of the east coast live.
3. i want to become a for real yoga person. 
4. learn and commit to balancing my check book.  its time to start respecting my money!
4.  i want to fall in love and let myself really fall this time.

i finally get it

even when i think i "got it" i still don't get it and will never get it...that's me getting it.

thank you rude kid

so..

i was at this dude's house in high school studying for an exam.  he was being all flirty which was awkward since i knew this kid foreverrrrrrrrrr and it so wasn't like that on my end.  at one point he is moving his hand towards my face like he is going to get his caress on but instead pets the random stark white hair that is growing out of the side of my face and lets me know that i have a random stark white hair growing out of the side of my face.  i'm clearly horrified at this and want to wrap up the study sesh but boyfriend is still trying to make moves. i think i faked a stomach cramp and got the fuck out of there.

flash forward today i am getting my floss on and notice a random stark white hair growing out of the side of my face but its like 5 times the length of the hair in high school.  moral of the story is i can look back now and be thankful that cray cray let me know about this hair when it was in its baby stage as oppose to the long ass weave that was now on my face today.  sometimes rude people are helpful.

looking for my focus...have you seen it?

i keep saying how i want to write in this blog every day so that i can eventually publish a memoir and yet i'm not doing it.  this isn't that hard...meaning i'm not necessarily under any pressure to write the most charming, enlightening, and witty things here since it's my own spot.  this blog is for me to just unload and hopefully spawn some ideas for what i want my book to focus on.  i can't do that though if i give in to the inner critic who is just constantly shooting my shit down.  the only goal for me is to get a book together and that is getting easier with the online self publishing world.  I can potentially sell putting my crazy on paper one day on amazon.com for $3 bucks right to your kindle!  the thought of my friends and family maybe strangers reading my inner monologue is exciting and terrifying!  i mean does my old school irish catholic mom want to read about some of the sexual encounters i have had?  she might have a coronary but i dont want to be afraid of who i am because my mom, friend or random might not like it. 

so my promise is this...that i will write once a day...even if its for 5 minutes and its complete gibberish i'm still going to do it and post it because there is something at stake in all of this and i am going to achieve my goal.

there was a boy, we never spoke, i was totally in love

I get obsessed with things for the weirdest/no reason at all.  One of these obsessions was this dude Victor.  When I was 12 years old I saw this beautiful skater boy skateboarding it around the neighborhood.  I just moved there and was bummed that i left all my friends from the old hood behind and this kid made me forget about all those crazy bastards!  From the moment I saw him I started concocting his personality in my head.  He is a skaterboy with a heart of gold, he loves cold chinese food (my cousin Carlos pointed out years later that no body likes fucking cold chinese food!) he was pensive, hilarious, star gazing, poetry reading, john cusack loving, dog owning and knicks obsessed for starters.  As the years went by I added more personality to him and he just became my ideal guy.  My friends of course tortured me about this and whenever we would drive by his house they would scream his name...it got to the point where I would scream his name and of course boyfriend would be sitting outside looking at me scared for his life.  Things got really creepy when I decided it was in my best interest to finally put a happily ever after to this rom com that was our non existant relationship.  My manfriend at the time and I decided to part ways while I was studying abroad in Ireland.  All of a sudden Victor popped into my head.  I hadn't thought about this kid in years and at that moment I decided to write him a letter.  This is the stuff that dreams or rom coms..whatever are made of right?  This is the part where i unload all my feelings and pseudo love and boyfriend tells me he too had unrequited love for me! ok so my friend jill goes with her boyfriend to get his address.  he tells her its a bad idea, my ireland roomies tell me its a bad idea. pretty much everyone in the universe is telling me this is a bad idea.  i'm like oh man this is great the more adversity the better the ending to my story.   So i write this letter pretty much projecting on this kid who I think he is (we never had a conversation..ever) and I'm like omg carpe diem moment this is my story im going to tell my kids and my grandkids on how i met my husband! So I mail my letter out so proud of myself.  I hear crickets for the next few months but i'm still not discouraged...especially when i am traveling around europe getting all kinds of distracted by italian soccer players but i digress..i'll save that story for another post.  so i leave my home away from home ireland and come back to the dirty jersey.  i see my husband in my head at the local dive bar a few weeks after i am home.  the universe is conspiring i can feel it.  before i could even do anything (real talk wtf was i going to do) this acquaintance of mine saunters over to me and goes "is that Victor...you're Victor?" I go "uh huh" then she saunters over to boyfriend and starts shooting the shit and gets his number! AAAAND they start for realz dating!!
Now I can't hate too much on this girl because she had the balls to actually do something where I wasn't even able to formulate a word around this kid ( and i got the gift of gab honey) but did she have to be so blatant about it...like watch me work biiiiiitch.  I was bummed but in a way it showed me what kind of dude he was to go out with a chick like her (no offense girl but you are f'd up) she dumped him like 5 minutes later (sorrrrrrrrry boo). It's so embarrassing because til this day whenever I see this kid i get oh so flustered and he is still a perfect stranger to me cousin larry style.  I am 29 years old and this is still a problem.  le sigh.