i pride myself on the fact that when times get tough i get tougher. this weekend did not prove that so much. i got out of bed on saturday to go to lunch and then i went right back in. right now it's sunday 2:17 pm and i am writing this blog from my bed. i am meeting a friend in an hour and the thought of leaving is giving me a mild case of agita.
this weekend marks 6 months since i lost maryellen to breast cancer. i am in awe of this. the last 6 months have been a haze...i really couldn't tell you much of what happened personally and or pop culturally. and every month around the 5/6th i get socially and emotionally retarded because i am reminded that another month has gone by and it's not getting any easier to cope with this loss.
when i step outside of my room i feel like i have to play the part of the artist formally known as emily griffith. in life before maryellen had cancer i was silly, laughed alot, was very curious and lovable. now i live a life of this person with a heart so broken i can physically feel the pain in my heart but the show aka life must go on.
i've always believed that being true to yourself is the most important thing in life but right now i can't be true because i wouldn't leave my room. i would lie here and just wallow in my sadness. therefore i am adopting the act as if/fake it til you make it mantra. i have to act as if life is ok again or else i might not remember what how the okay life feels. i also know that my sister would be pissed if i was holed up in bed because that is not paying her any homage at all.
i think that in order to honor the people who have left us we have to go out into the world and live loud. my sister lived that way regardless of sadness. she was diagnosed twice with breast cancer and that didn't stop her from doing the things she wanted to do. her death shouldn't stop me from doing anything...in fact her death should be inspiring me to do everything!
