there was a boy, we never spoke, i was totally in love

I get obsessed with things for the weirdest/no reason at all.  One of these obsessions was this dude Victor.  When I was 12 years old I saw this beautiful skater boy skateboarding it around the neighborhood.  I just moved there and was bummed that i left all my friends from the old hood behind and this kid made me forget about all those crazy bastards!  From the moment I saw him I started concocting his personality in my head.  He is a skaterboy with a heart of gold, he loves cold chinese food (my cousin Carlos pointed out years later that no body likes fucking cold chinese food!) he was pensive, hilarious, star gazing, poetry reading, john cusack loving, dog owning and knicks obsessed for starters.  As the years went by I added more personality to him and he just became my ideal guy.  My friends of course tortured me about this and whenever we would drive by his house they would scream his name...it got to the point where I would scream his name and of course boyfriend would be sitting outside looking at me scared for his life.  Things got really creepy when I decided it was in my best interest to finally put a happily ever after to this rom com that was our non existant relationship.  My manfriend at the time and I decided to part ways while I was studying abroad in Ireland.  All of a sudden Victor popped into my head.  I hadn't thought about this kid in years and at that moment I decided to write him a letter.  This is the stuff that dreams or rom coms..whatever are made of right?  This is the part where i unload all my feelings and pseudo love and boyfriend tells me he too had unrequited love for me! ok so my friend jill goes with her boyfriend to get his address.  he tells her its a bad idea, my ireland roomies tell me its a bad idea. pretty much everyone in the universe is telling me this is a bad idea.  i'm like oh man this is great the more adversity the better the ending to my story.   So i write this letter pretty much projecting on this kid who I think he is (we never had a conversation..ever) and I'm like omg carpe diem moment this is my story im going to tell my kids and my grandkids on how i met my husband! So I mail my letter out so proud of myself.  I hear crickets for the next few months but i'm still not discouraged...especially when i am traveling around europe getting all kinds of distracted by italian soccer players but i digress..i'll save that story for another post.  so i leave my home away from home ireland and come back to the dirty jersey.  i see my husband in my head at the local dive bar a few weeks after i am home.  the universe is conspiring i can feel it.  before i could even do anything (real talk wtf was i going to do) this acquaintance of mine saunters over to me and goes "is that Victor...you're Victor?" I go "uh huh" then she saunters over to boyfriend and starts shooting the shit and gets his number! AAAAND they start for realz dating!!
Now I can't hate too much on this girl because she had the balls to actually do something where I wasn't even able to formulate a word around this kid ( and i got the gift of gab honey) but did she have to be so blatant about it...like watch me work biiiiiitch.  I was bummed but in a way it showed me what kind of dude he was to go out with a chick like her (no offense girl but you are f'd up) she dumped him like 5 minutes later (sorrrrrrrrry boo). It's so embarrassing because til this day whenever I see this kid i get oh so flustered and he is still a perfect stranger to me cousin larry style.  I am 29 years old and this is still a problem.  le sigh.

unloading on strangers is all the rage

some of the most cathartic and craziest conversations i ever had were with strangers...particularly barnes and noble strangers when i worked there.  i was convinced this one dude was an angel sent to help me unfuck my life up but turns out he was a somewhat of a homeless con artist.  still he served a purpose in my life.  he unloaded...i unloaded we both felt lighter and walked away.  one of my favorite unloading with a stranger moments was on the eve of my 21st birthday.  i was working the register at barnes and nobles when this lady came up and was shopping around the bargain tables.  we were closing but girlfriend took her time and did her thing.  i honestly didn't care because i knew i was on the verge of legal drinkdom and i was going to drink her as well as all the other annoying customers away!  she came up the register started to unload her life drama on me...i listened, shook my head, peppered in some wise words i might have heard on oprah that week and then told her it was my birthday.  girlfriend walked away and came back with extra things to ring up at the register and she asked for 2 bags.  once i did my cashier thang she handed me the second bag and said thank you for listening (to her unload) and have a wonderful 21st b-day.  Cutie bought me a journal and a book mark! presents from strangers rock!
so i feel like what i am trying to say here is sometimes you are the unloader other times you are the unloadee but either way you are serving a purpose.  i can't wait for my next victim!

i power yoga'd, i farted, i never showed my face there again

Once upon a time I was really into yoga.  I finished college, got a for realz job, got a really for realz apartment and started going to my local YMCA.  It was there that I discovered power yoga.  This woman who was legit like 75 years old taught the class and she could pop and lock it better than the waspy yuppy young moms could.  I had no business being in this class considering I hadn't practiced yoga in years but I thought...fuck it I'm young I can twerk this.  One night we were practicing head stands and grandma yogi told me to throw myself up there and that i can do it.  As I am in mid flight to getting my head stand on I let out the loudest fart ever recorded in the universe.  Now the class goes dead silent because that's how loud and echo-ing this fart was.  I was in my headstand with my face turning a deep shade of purple when i slowly brought myself down into child pose then eventually a fetal position omg is this my life pose.  What was really comical about the whole thing was that the people surrounding me followed my move from head stand to child pose, to fetal position omg is this my life pose.  Once class was over I booked it the hell out of there, didn't make contact with a soul and never showed my face again.
Flash forward to yesterday where I went to my first yoga class since "the fart to end all farts" happened with my cousin Vanessa.  We didn't even start doing any yoga moves when some dude ripped a ridiculously loud fart.  I immediately froze.  I was convinced this was a test from the universe.  Vanessa was trying to hard to stifle her laughter and I just sat there unfazed.  I get it dude and I am not going to make you feel like you can never show your face in  this class because you ripped a hard one.  Vanessa was on to me and she was like we need to address the fart-er in yoga class...it was then that I had confession time with Vanessa which is now becoming confession time with whoever reads my ramblings.  I hope to see you next week in class fart-er don't be a punk like me and let your fart dictate your yoga.

i'm fucked up

it's hard being me.  no for real i am in a constant state of torn especially when it comes to the manfriend possibility. i think i just want someone i know who is hopelessly all about me, will never hurt me, tells me exactly what they are thinking all the time, holds my hand, makes me giggle and makes me the priority. i don't want to do any work either...i don't want to stare at the phone waiting for the next text message, i don't want to think of the possibility that this person might not realize how amazing i am, i dont want to put myself out there and get completely shot down.

 the truth of the matter is if i had all the things that i "want" i would be bored and disappointed.  when things are just handed to a person without the work there is no appreciation. honestly it's kind of fun not knowing...i mean its stressful but there are so many possibilities.  what if they think you are a total lunatic, or the most articulate person they encountered, or totally weird and quirky.  the journey of any relationship and getting to know each other is rewarding in itself..it has to be because there is no end.  it's constant.  even when you are married and think you know everything about each other..things in life happen and people change and you are constantly getting to know this forever changing person.  sometimes it works out and you change together and for the better.  sometimes life gets the best of us and we grow a part.

my problem is i have a hard time compromising.  i love my single life and the ability to be able to pick up and go and to not answer to anyone.  i have this idea in my head that if i have a romantic relationship then my life is going to be consumed with it and life as it is now will change.  i always think that my relationships are doomed because there isn't anyone out there who is going to let me be 100% me.  it's not fair though to judge these un-met people and these unborn relationships without even having them first.  i am dating and open to it but i will find any excuse, any imperfection to immediately write it off and say it's not going to work.  i put unrealistic demands and pressure on strangers!  i want them to fail..i bank on them failing.  i guess i am not as open as i thought.

i love hearing stories of love and i am a total rom-com addict.  when it happens to me though i am embarrassed and feel like its not genuine.  i am learning that if your relationship with yourself is shot than there is no way in hell you can expect someone to repair that.  one person can't take all that on and it's not authentic when you get your feelings and ideas of yourself from someone else.  i believe there is someone out there that will embrace my quirks, bring me chicken soup when i'm sick and tell me the truth even when i don't want to hear it.  the thing is i need to be that for myself first and i'm not.  admitting it is the first step?  to be continued....