looking for my focus...have you seen it?

i keep saying how i want to write in this blog every day so that i can eventually publish a memoir and yet i'm not doing it.  this isn't that hard...meaning i'm not necessarily under any pressure to write the most charming, enlightening, and witty things here since it's my own spot.  this blog is for me to just unload and hopefully spawn some ideas for what i want my book to focus on.  i can't do that though if i give in to the inner critic who is just constantly shooting my shit down.  the only goal for me is to get a book together and that is getting easier with the online self publishing world.  I can potentially sell putting my crazy on paper one day on amazon.com for $3 bucks right to your kindle!  the thought of my friends and family maybe strangers reading my inner monologue is exciting and terrifying!  i mean does my old school irish catholic mom want to read about some of the sexual encounters i have had?  she might have a coronary but i dont want to be afraid of who i am because my mom, friend or random might not like it. 

so my promise is this...that i will write once a day...even if its for 5 minutes and its complete gibberish i'm still going to do it and post it because there is something at stake in all of this and i am going to achieve my goal.

i'm fucked up

it's hard being me.  no for real i am in a constant state of torn especially when it comes to the manfriend possibility. i think i just want someone i know who is hopelessly all about me, will never hurt me, tells me exactly what they are thinking all the time, holds my hand, makes me giggle and makes me the priority. i don't want to do any work either...i don't want to stare at the phone waiting for the next text message, i don't want to think of the possibility that this person might not realize how amazing i am, i dont want to put myself out there and get completely shot down.

 the truth of the matter is if i had all the things that i "want" i would be bored and disappointed.  when things are just handed to a person without the work there is no appreciation. honestly it's kind of fun not knowing...i mean its stressful but there are so many possibilities.  what if they think you are a total lunatic, or the most articulate person they encountered, or totally weird and quirky.  the journey of any relationship and getting to know each other is rewarding in itself..it has to be because there is no end.  it's constant.  even when you are married and think you know everything about each other..things in life happen and people change and you are constantly getting to know this forever changing person.  sometimes it works out and you change together and for the better.  sometimes life gets the best of us and we grow a part.

my problem is i have a hard time compromising.  i love my single life and the ability to be able to pick up and go and to not answer to anyone.  i have this idea in my head that if i have a romantic relationship then my life is going to be consumed with it and life as it is now will change.  i always think that my relationships are doomed because there isn't anyone out there who is going to let me be 100% me.  it's not fair though to judge these un-met people and these unborn relationships without even having them first.  i am dating and open to it but i will find any excuse, any imperfection to immediately write it off and say it's not going to work.  i put unrealistic demands and pressure on strangers!  i want them to fail..i bank on them failing.  i guess i am not as open as i thought.

i love hearing stories of love and i am a total rom-com addict.  when it happens to me though i am embarrassed and feel like its not genuine.  i am learning that if your relationship with yourself is shot than there is no way in hell you can expect someone to repair that.  one person can't take all that on and it's not authentic when you get your feelings and ideas of yourself from someone else.  i believe there is someone out there that will embrace my quirks, bring me chicken soup when i'm sick and tell me the truth even when i don't want to hear it.  the thing is i need to be that for myself first and i'm not.  admitting it is the first step?  to be continued....

oh black swaaaaaan come out to plaaaaaaaay

so..

my friend christen and i talk about channeling our black swan all the time.  to be a black swan is to be fearless.  it's to put it out there..all of it and not give a shit what people think.  i think its being powerful, seductive and sexy.  i...am totally a white swan.  i don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing but its debilitating in a way.  white swans are proper, they hold back, i think they do the right thing because it's "right" not necessarily because they want to.  i want to be the perfect shade of gray and this is achieved through balance.  i am a white swan because that's my nature but sometimes change is a good thing and black swan wants to come out and play! i'm going to conduct an experiment...its going to be very a la fake it til i make it.  i will keep you posted.

its difficult to be strong

i am feeling myself slip into a depression.  i am completely aware of it.  it's getting harder to get out of bed in the morning...it's even getting harder to breathe.  i can feel my sister slipping away...i can feel her trying to come to terms with death and leaving this world behind.  i have never felt so broken or helpless. i want to be strong for my sister and my family but this is not ok.  a woman at 42 with three young kids and a passion for life should not have to deal with such an ugly disease.  she has a good attitude about it in a sense that she said her life as been an easy and good one.  she's had such good friends around her through her life that have made her laugh and smile through the years.  her family that she created with her husband is a fun one.  so many people in this world have had a rough go and they can still keep their chin up and smile.  i want to be one of those people.  i really am a lover of life and i am so thankful for the adventures and opportunities that present themselves.  it's hard to see that when such a strong powerful light in my life is going through living with breast cancer.  i want to be positive and a force i can't even fake the funk right now.

blind date...wet hair...to be continued

so...

i quit okcupid eons ago.  with that said there has been this dude that texts me once a week since i quit looking to hang out.  now i am a total fan of  romance, playful, silly, monogamous, kissy beautiful love.  i am...trust it.  however i am not a fan of forcing the funk.  i am 29 and single and i feel like some of my friends/family are puzzled by this.  real talk...and clearly we are being real here since it's my fucking blog is that i do not envy...that's not the right word...let me think...i don't look at any couples around me and go awww i want that.  none of them. and im not saying i dont know any great couples...because i do its just i dont want what they have.  i want someone who is going to let me be me. 100% me.  and thats a daunting task considering i am cray cray.  i dont want to be butt buddies...i want boyfriend to understand that i am OBSESSED with my ladies and like to spend as much time with them as possible. i dont want him to correct my grammar mistakes or get annoyed that i dont like capital letters!  i just realized i was in the middle of my blind date story and i got all a.d.d. on ya.  my b.

so anyhoo..i was at the gym yesterday and i got a text saying hey meet you at 5 from okcupider.  oooooh shaaaat i forgot we had plans.  i try to cancel but boyfriend is already in route to the meeting place. F F F F F F F...i fly home, take the coldest shower ever...look like shiz and roll out the door. i get to the bar and text date with my stats: black dress, purple flats, wet hair.

now maybe this is reject-ish of me but i size up my dates within 10 minutes.  the question remains the same.  do i want to make out with you? now i feel like this is in a way completely shallow but hear me out folks its not as it seems.  i THRIVE on witty banter.  word play me all day and i.am.yours. word tango-ing is my fave and it will make you HOT in my book...HOTTTTTTT.  so within the first 10 minutes boyfriend cracks a joke...a silly not funny one...and laughs.  he laughs at his own joke.  FAIL.  i'm waiting for him to say something clever, something off the wall, something to make me think a wee bit. NA-DA. now i am on this cocktail date for over 2 hours.  i chat, i border line unload...he proceeds to cut me off...whatevz.  the thing is he was a nice dude and geeky which i totally dig yet i found myself hating him randomly throughout the night.  he asked if i wanted to get something to eat i totally said i have to get up for the gym early (lamelamelamelame) and i bolt out of there.

i am open to the possibility of it all when it comes to dating...but i always have a better time with my friends.  even when i was in love.