oh black swaaaaaan come out to plaaaaaaaay

so..

my friend christen and i talk about channeling our black swan all the time.  to be a black swan is to be fearless.  it's to put it out there..all of it and not give a shit what people think.  i think its being powerful, seductive and sexy.  i...am totally a white swan.  i don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing but its debilitating in a way.  white swans are proper, they hold back, i think they do the right thing because it's "right" not necessarily because they want to.  i want to be the perfect shade of gray and this is achieved through balance.  i am a white swan because that's my nature but sometimes change is a good thing and black swan wants to come out and play! i'm going to conduct an experiment...its going to be very a la fake it til i make it.  i will keep you posted.

its difficult to be strong

i am feeling myself slip into a depression.  i am completely aware of it.  it's getting harder to get out of bed in the morning...it's even getting harder to breathe.  i can feel my sister slipping away...i can feel her trying to come to terms with death and leaving this world behind.  i have never felt so broken or helpless. i want to be strong for my sister and my family but this is not ok.  a woman at 42 with three young kids and a passion for life should not have to deal with such an ugly disease.  she has a good attitude about it in a sense that she said her life as been an easy and good one.  she's had such good friends around her through her life that have made her laugh and smile through the years.  her family that she created with her husband is a fun one.  so many people in this world have had a rough go and they can still keep their chin up and smile.  i want to be one of those people.  i really am a lover of life and i am so thankful for the adventures and opportunities that present themselves.  it's hard to see that when such a strong powerful light in my life is going through living with breast cancer.  i want to be positive and a force i can't even fake the funk right now.

just do it!

they say you learn to do by doing. 

1. i don't know who "they" are but i am signing up for this one.

I want to write...and here i am writing!  i am starting to come around to the idea that i am going to write out exactly what i want.  my head is too foggy and hazy with a million things all running ramped at once that i am just going to free write and see what things unload on to the paper.  i have been twitter stalking people who i think would be amazing mentors in life...so they'z be my twittors.  i have a.d.d. so 140 characters of real talk with sparkling gems of wisdom....i can get down with that.  one day i would like to be look at as a twittor. 

i recently joined this website called peertrainer (check it) and there is this group that i signed up with with the message "i can do this for 1 day" now granted i am only on day 2 of "i can just do this for 1 day" but it definitely got me through yesterday! my goal for yesterday was to not eat the minute i felt stressed or bored and just eat when my body called for food.  it was a small victory but still i did it.  so today's goal is the same.  no stress eating...just for today.  i can't promise tomorrow but i can promise today! it makes the whole idea of overhauling eating less overwhelming.

shut upppppppppp

listen bitch...there is a new sheriff in town and she isn't taking your shit anymore!

-me to my inner bitch critic

blind date...wet hair...to be continued

so...

i quit okcupid eons ago.  with that said there has been this dude that texts me once a week since i quit looking to hang out.  now i am a total fan of  romance, playful, silly, monogamous, kissy beautiful love.  i am...trust it.  however i am not a fan of forcing the funk.  i am 29 and single and i feel like some of my friends/family are puzzled by this.  real talk...and clearly we are being real here since it's my fucking blog is that i do not envy...that's not the right word...let me think...i don't look at any couples around me and go awww i want that.  none of them. and im not saying i dont know any great couples...because i do its just i dont want what they have.  i want someone who is going to let me be me. 100% me.  and thats a daunting task considering i am cray cray.  i dont want to be butt buddies...i want boyfriend to understand that i am OBSESSED with my ladies and like to spend as much time with them as possible. i dont want him to correct my grammar mistakes or get annoyed that i dont like capital letters!  i just realized i was in the middle of my blind date story and i got all a.d.d. on ya.  my b.

so anyhoo..i was at the gym yesterday and i got a text saying hey meet you at 5 from okcupider.  oooooh shaaaat i forgot we had plans.  i try to cancel but boyfriend is already in route to the meeting place. F F F F F F F...i fly home, take the coldest shower ever...look like shiz and roll out the door. i get to the bar and text date with my stats: black dress, purple flats, wet hair.

now maybe this is reject-ish of me but i size up my dates within 10 minutes.  the question remains the same.  do i want to make out with you? now i feel like this is in a way completely shallow but hear me out folks its not as it seems.  i THRIVE on witty banter.  word play me all day and i.am.yours. word tango-ing is my fave and it will make you HOT in my book...HOTTTTTTT.  so within the first 10 minutes boyfriend cracks a joke...a silly not funny one...and laughs.  he laughs at his own joke.  FAIL.  i'm waiting for him to say something clever, something off the wall, something to make me think a wee bit. NA-DA. now i am on this cocktail date for over 2 hours.  i chat, i border line unload...he proceeds to cut me off...whatevz.  the thing is he was a nice dude and geeky which i totally dig yet i found myself hating him randomly throughout the night.  he asked if i wanted to get something to eat i totally said i have to get up for the gym early (lamelamelamelame) and i bolt out of there.

i am open to the possibility of it all when it comes to dating...but i always have a better time with my friends.  even when i was in love.