there was a boy, we never spoke, i was totally in love

I get obsessed with things for the weirdest/no reason at all.  One of these obsessions was this dude Victor.  When I was 12 years old I saw this beautiful skater boy skateboarding it around the neighborhood.  I just moved there and was bummed that i left all my friends from the old hood behind and this kid made me forget about all those crazy bastards!  From the moment I saw him I started concocting his personality in my head.  He is a skaterboy with a heart of gold, he loves cold chinese food (my cousin Carlos pointed out years later that no body likes fucking cold chinese food!) he was pensive, hilarious, star gazing, poetry reading, john cusack loving, dog owning and knicks obsessed for starters.  As the years went by I added more personality to him and he just became my ideal guy.  My friends of course tortured me about this and whenever we would drive by his house they would scream his name...it got to the point where I would scream his name and of course boyfriend would be sitting outside looking at me scared for his life.  Things got really creepy when I decided it was in my best interest to finally put a happily ever after to this rom com that was our non existant relationship.  My manfriend at the time and I decided to part ways while I was studying abroad in Ireland.  All of a sudden Victor popped into my head.  I hadn't thought about this kid in years and at that moment I decided to write him a letter.  This is the stuff that dreams or rom coms..whatever are made of right?  This is the part where i unload all my feelings and pseudo love and boyfriend tells me he too had unrequited love for me! ok so my friend jill goes with her boyfriend to get his address.  he tells her its a bad idea, my ireland roomies tell me its a bad idea. pretty much everyone in the universe is telling me this is a bad idea.  i'm like oh man this is great the more adversity the better the ending to my story.   So i write this letter pretty much projecting on this kid who I think he is (we never had a conversation..ever) and I'm like omg carpe diem moment this is my story im going to tell my kids and my grandkids on how i met my husband! So I mail my letter out so proud of myself.  I hear crickets for the next few months but i'm still not discouraged...especially when i am traveling around europe getting all kinds of distracted by italian soccer players but i digress..i'll save that story for another post.  so i leave my home away from home ireland and come back to the dirty jersey.  i see my husband in my head at the local dive bar a few weeks after i am home.  the universe is conspiring i can feel it.  before i could even do anything (real talk wtf was i going to do) this acquaintance of mine saunters over to me and goes "is that Victor...you're Victor?" I go "uh huh" then she saunters over to boyfriend and starts shooting the shit and gets his number! AAAAND they start for realz dating!!
Now I can't hate too much on this girl because she had the balls to actually do something where I wasn't even able to formulate a word around this kid ( and i got the gift of gab honey) but did she have to be so blatant about it...like watch me work biiiiiitch.  I was bummed but in a way it showed me what kind of dude he was to go out with a chick like her (no offense girl but you are f'd up) she dumped him like 5 minutes later (sorrrrrrrrry boo). It's so embarrassing because til this day whenever I see this kid i get oh so flustered and he is still a perfect stranger to me cousin larry style.  I am 29 years old and this is still a problem.  le sigh.

current state of affairs

my goal is to write in this every day so that i can for my 30th birthday compile a bunch of thoughts, ideas and sillisms and publish a book.  i have always had the idea of being a writer floating around in my head but lately the desire has been too prevalent to ignore.  i am constantly pondering, reacting, wishing, and harping on things in my own little world that its time to let out and unload the crazy.  i am in this weird place right now.  i lost my sister to a short, extremely aggressive battle with cancer and i am still trying to figure out what the hell happened.  its this feeling of heartbreak that is so terrible you eventually become numb.  i never felt a heartbreak like this and so as per her wishes i wake up every morning and battle the day and act as normal as possible given that normal is not my life anymore.  i think she is really the driving force behind all of this.  i almost feel like her life is a lesson we all are suppose to learn from.  i know when people talk about those who have passed its kind of annoying that they are remembered being so saint like.  the truth of the matter is my sister was saint like and not in a overbearing jesus take the wheel kind of way.  she had a sense of humor about life and was so laid back about it.  she was beautiful, driven, empathetic and smart.  people were drawn to her because she lived in grace effortlessly. 
i am going to write this book because just as much as i want to do it for me i am doing it for her too.  she is going to get shouted out all over the place! hope you are ready to see your name in print maryellen griffith fiore. xoxo